How to forgive yourself

is professor in psychology at Iowa State University. He is interested in the psychology of forgiveness and religion, particularly as they are applied in counselling and therapy settings. He lives in Ames, Iowa.

is associate professor and director of training for the counselling psychology PhD programme at Auburn University in Alabama. She researches forgiveness and self-forgiveness in relationships, as well as ways to reduce the stigma of seeking psychological help.

After several months of therapy, Joe shared that he carried a burden he was hesitant to talk about. With some encouragement, he admitted that he had been treating his four-year-old daughter terribly. He described how typical events such as trying to get his daughter ready for daycare had triggered his anger, leading him to handle her roughly – like grabbing her arm or yelling at her. Joe shared other behaviours that he was ashamed of, such as losing his cool and just walking away while she was crying in the bathtub. Although he was often a supportive and loving father, Joe (whose name, along with some other details, have been altered here for anonymity) knew that these actions had hurt his daughter and his family. He wasn’t sure if – or how – he could forgive himself.

Most of us can look back on our experiences and recall, often with great regret, times when we hurt others or did something that violated our values. Many people find it hard to forgive themselves for one or more of these instances, carrying around a considerable burden of guilt. In our clinical work and research on self-forgiveness, we have spoken with individuals who’ve struggled with a broad range of offences: marital infidelity, patterns of angry outbursts, physically and verbally fighting with teenage children, manipulating and stealing from others as a result of drug and alcohol dependencies, abandoning family or friends when they were in need, and more.

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