Song of the Dao: "I Am Useless"
'The cinnamon tree can be eaten, and therefore it is cut down. The varnish tree is useful, and therefore incisions are made in it. All men know the advantage of being useful, but no one knows the advantage of being useless.'
During my depressive episodes, I would always express my deep feeling of uselessness to my therapists, and they would always try to reassure me that I was wrong, that I was useful, that my life was not “a waste”, and it was just my depression talking.
But my lived experience told me that I was, in fact, useless. Women would leave me at the drop of a hat with no explanation, I only avoided being fired by quitting my jobs, and friends were few and far between. And all the research I have done on nutrition and genetics goes unappreciated. This is not how people treat useful things!
But I get it. A combination of genetics and an abusive childhood environment has led to my hypersensitivity and all the behavioral changes that come along with it. Being unpredictable and undependable are just two of the hallmarks of living with a Bipolar Phenotype, so who am I to condemn people for wanting nothing to do with me? I no longer blame anyone for how I was treated. In this society, I know, I am useless. And that was depressing.
