The iPhone 16 Pro Review: Finally, a little pocket computer that fills the gaping void in my soul

I know it just came out today, but I am already ready to declare that there is no greater device than iPhone 16 Pro. I am flummoxed. Bewildered. DISCOMBOBULATED, even. It is the pinnacle of design. Of engineering. And of humanity. Once again, Apple has blessed us with a little pocket computer that instantly renders their previous efforts to the waste bin that is recorded history. iPhone 15 Pro? More like iPhone 15 No! THROW IT IN A BLENDER. Pulse pulse. Drink it up. The nourishing blend of battery acid and precious metals will satiate you as you conjure the wonders of your iCloud backup down into your brand new gleaming monolith.

My god, is there anything this phone can't do?[1] Email! Messages! Photos! Holy shit, three cameras! You can take every picture, and you will love it. I love it. It's my favorite camera ever. Nay, it is my favorite thing. Move over, my wife. Get lost, my dog, Olive, who is adorable. I am now beholden to the slab of glass in my pocket. The great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchild of Steve Jobs.

Nothing can prepare you for how amazing this phone is. You've never seen anything like it. I certainly haven't. But I know it's great, because it is from Apple, and Apple is great, and I've never been disappointed by them ever. They are the only company who can do this. Hell, they're the only company I want to do this. Can we please just cede Capitalism to Tim Cook already?

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