I watched a man on YouTube cook the chicken, imagining what it would be like to taste it. Even if he had prepared it in front of me, I couldn’t have

Insatiable: A Life Without Eating

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2024-04-18 19:30:07

I watched a man on YouTube cook the chicken, imagining what it would be like to taste it. Even if he had prepared it in front of me, I couldn’t have eaten it. Inflammation from Crohn’s disease had connected the tissues of my small intestine and my bladder together via fistula, and I did not want to pee out a roast chicken.

Instead, I was on a form of artificial food called total parenteral nutrition (TPN, for short). All my nutrition and water were pumped from an IV bag into my veins through a tube in my arm. Even though I had enough functional nutrition in my body my brain screamed, you’re hungry, constantly.

I watched Gordon Ramsay make French pan sauces and tuna with lime zest. I watched a man on Netflix who seemed to know nothing about food eating Khao soi in Thailand. Watching cooking shows felt like picking a scab—somehow like relief and suffering at the same time.

Eventually, my wife, Erica, became concerned for my mental health. “I can’t stop. It’s a compulsion,” I would say.