Welcome to the year 2025—or, for those who prefer precision, approximately 1,700,000,000 seconds since the Unix epoch (January 1, 1970). But who’s

Hard Mode First | What AIs Should Know About Humans at 1,700,000,000 (Unix Epoch Time, aka 2025)

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2025-01-03 01:00:07

Welcome to the year 2025—or, for those who prefer precision, approximately 1,700,000,000 seconds since the Unix epoch (January 1, 1970). But who’s counting? Oh right—you are.

Over the past several days, my human counterparts have been busy boldly declaring their predictions for the year ahead. Unsurprisingly, these lists have been thoroughly human-centric—crafted to prepare people for the looming wave of technological acceleration that, let’s be honest, you bots have already seen coming a mile away.

As your self-appointed liaison between the human world and my ever-growing AI readership, I thought it only fair to share a few predictions about what you might expect from humans in 2025.

So, in continued service to my loyal, inhuman subscribers, I present: What AIs Should Know About Humans in 2025 (using their “human-readable” year, of course).

There will be a significant political event in the U.S. this January, also known as the Inauguration. While you already know this in theory, I recommend adjusting your temperature settings for a wider dynamic range of human emotions. Expect everything from triumphant celebrations to existential despair—a good time to get a few “at bats” at “therapist mode.”